Wiggidy Wiggidy Whack
by Double Stuffed Oreo
Summary: Title says it all. Literally. Let's just say Bakura hopes get crushed and he deals with the depression in his own very special way. Warning: mental scarring beyond this point.


Author's Notes & Junk: Come one, come all, to the new crackfic of the century! Anyway, thanks to the reviewers on my other stories, it's greatly appreciated!  
WARNING: This may cause your eyes to bleed, vomiting, mental scarring. Contains fifty percent crack and fifty percent nonsense. You need a sense of humor to advance, and maybe a doggybag. You've been warned, good innocent people of the Internet.  
Disclaimers and whatnot: Do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, lucky for you...  
Onward!

* * *

"_Ryouuu!" _Bakura whined.

"What?!" Ryou screamed, his voice echoing due to him being across the house. He came stomping into the kitchen, where Bakura was standing. "What do you want now?!"

"…Never mind. I forgot." Bakura said, shrugging.

Ryou groaned, about to leave, when the phone rang.

"Ryou, the phone! Answer the phone! Answer it! Answer it!"

"You're standing right there next to it. You answer it yourself, moron." Ryou said, starting to head out the kitchen.

"But… But…" Bakura stamped his foot. "I don't wannaaa!"

"You're so _hopeless!" _Ryou roared, stomping across the kitchen to answer the still ringing device. "Hello?"

Bakura got distracted and wandered off, deciding to rearrange the fridge magnets. The letters that previously spelled 'fruit' became arranged to spell 'fart'.

Ryou eventually got off the phone, and Bakura turned, looking up from his 'creation', and asked, "Who was on the phone?"

"Um… Mal- I mean, Marik."

"Oh, really?!" Bakura asked, getting all excited.

"Yeah, really." Ryou said dryly.

"Really really?"

"Quit being stupid before I slap you." Ryou groaned. "And yes, really."

"What'd he want?" Bakura asked, eyes sparkling.

"He… He wanted to know if he could come over here…?" Ryou said slowly.

"You said yes, right?!" Bakura screamed, grabbing Ryou by the shirt. "You better have said yes!"

"I did, so stop touching me."

"Oh, oh… Sorry." Bakura let go. "Anyway, when's he coming over?"

"Right about…" the sound of a door being kicked down sounded. "Now."

"Oh yay!" Bakura screamed, running like wildfire out of the kitchen and into the living room to find Marik standing in the doorway, looking somewhat ticked off. "Marik, how I've missed you so!"

"I never left." He said dryly, staring down at Bakura.

"Well, you can deny it all you want, but know you'll never leave my heart."

"…Fag."

"What?" he blinked stupidly, looking over his shoulder. "Ryou, what's that mean?"

"…I'll tell you when your older."

"But I wanna know nowww!"

Ryou sighed. "Fine. It means…um…he likes you."

"Oh, really?!" Bakura whipped around. "Okie dokie then Marik, I'll be a fag for you _any _day!"

Suddenly Malik stepped out from behind Marik. "Hey Bakura!"

"Y-Y…" Bakura threw up a little in his mouth. "_You!"_

"Yeah, me." He smiled.

"What are _you _doing here?!"

"Ryou invited me…?"

"You liar!" Bakura screeched. "Ryou only said Marik was coming over! You tagged along on _purpose!"_

"Correction: I called and asked if Marik and I could _both _come over, and he said 'sure, why not?'"

Bakura glared death daggers at Ryou, who was carelessly leaving the room.

"I didn't really want to come," Marik muttered.

"You didn't want to come see me?!" Bakura asked, tears forming in his eyes.

"No, why would I want to see your ugly face?"

Bakura began crying. "But I worship you!"

"Yeah, join the five million other fangirls."

The closet door opened suddenly, revealing starving, desperate young girls. "Marik, we love youuu…"

Bakura blinked. "Ryou, how long have these people been in our closet?"

"Since last Christmas," Ryou called.

"B-But I'm different from them!" Bakura said, turning back to Marik. "Watch me clean your shoes for you with my sa… Sali… Spit."

Then he got down on his hands and knees and started licking Marik's boots.

"Ugh! Get off of me!" He shook Bakura off.

"And it's free of charge!" Bakura screamed, glancing down proudly at Marik's shoes in time to see them disintegrate, before the rubble combusted into flames.

"Hey, my boots! You owe seventeen-hundred dollars!"

"Ryouuu!" Bakura screamed.

"What? Sorry, can't hear you!"

Bakura turned back to Marik, about to speak, when Marik let out a groan of disgust. "Okay, I've had enough. I'm leaving."

"No, don't go!" Bakura wailed.

"You are the most ugly, outrageous, disgusting, disgraceful excuse for a human being."

Bakura watched Marik walk away, before calling out, "What does that even mean?!"

"It means I hate you, stupid!"

And Bakura collapsed onto his hands and knees, wailing. Malik practically screamed "Crush!"

"Ryouuu! Marik left and said he hates me! Don't you care at all?!"

"I don't care."

He began sobbing, starting to lick the place on the floor Marik was just standing.

Malik just watched, until about half an hour later he called for Ryou, "How long is he going to keep this up?"

"A week if I let him."

Malik walked over and got down next to Bakura, "Hey, don't worry, I'll be your friend and can fill the void."

Bakura's face twisted into that of horror, and just the thought of this made him want to puke. "No."

"Why not?!"

"You know what you did!"

"What did I do?!"

"You…stepped on my birthday cake, kicked down my sand castle, broke my special toy that I got by sending in fifty-two box tops, and most importantly, you have Marik and I don't."

"I did none of those things!"

"Liar! You have Marik!"

"I can't help that!"

"Yes, yes you can! Now get out of my house!"

"All right, fine! If that's how you want it, then I'll just go!" Malik screamed and began walking out. He stopped in the doorway to glance at Bakura, "But just know this Bakura: the offer is still open," he said, winking, and left.

"What just happened?" Bakura asked stupidly.

"Bye, Malik… See you sometime…next year, maybe." Ryou said closing the door in Bakura's face. "Bakura, get up and clean those fangirls out of the closet. They've been in there too long and are starting to smell."

"That's not my job, they're… They're… _Marik's!" _Bakura wailed, bursting into tears.

"You're such a crybaby." Ryou said, getting the broom.

"I bet _Marik _wouldn't have called me that."

"Yes he would've!"

"You just don't understand the pain."

* * *

Not even an hour later Ryou found Bakura lying on the sofa watching some overrated soap opera whilst shoveling down loads of crappy food, including ice cream, pizza, gummy worms, cake, donuts, potato chips, French fries, and basically every other food in the household that was anything but healthy.

"Bakura, stop eating so much. You're getting fat."

"_Marik _wouldn't have said that!" Bakura screeched, breaking back down in tears.

"Yes he would've. Stop acting like a wuss."

"You don't understanddd!" Bakura screamed, shoveling down another mouthful of crap. "Diego, no! Don't go with her! Stay with Rosa!" Bakura screamed, turning his attention back to the soap opera.

"Whatever."

And so, after about two weeks of depression, obsessive eating, and absolutely no exercise, Bakura successfully became a stereotypical man who did nothing but watch TV all day.

"Bakura, I'm back!" Ryou called, coming in the door with his suitcases, just having returned from a two-week vacation at the Bahamas, Malik surprisingly in tow. He stopped as he entered the house. "Sweet mother of mercy what's that smell?!"

Malik looked over and screamed, "Oh my Ra a beached whale!"

"You talking to me?" Bakura asked, still sitting in the same spot on the now broken couch and still watching the same soap opera since he couldn't get up to change the channel…and the remote had gone missing.

"Oh, it's just you, Bakura."

Bakura grunted, managing to summon the strength to shrug. A donut fell out from under his man-boob and rolled onto his stomach. "Oh, I've been looking for this! I dropped it a week ago and never saw it again…" he picked it up and took a bite. "Hmm, not half bad. A little warm though…"

"That's disgusting!" Malik yelled. "I hope that's the only thing you have hiding in there…"

"Are you kidding? It's great storage space." Bakura rummaged in-between his fat rolls and extracted a handful of junk food, beginning to eat some of it. "The only problem is you sometimes lose some stuff, like that donut… And I still haven't found the TV remote yet…"

"Are you sitting on it?"

"I don't know, let me check." Bakura started to stand, but turned beet red in the face and started sweating profusely. Somehow he managed to stand up, causing Malik to see his _full _form, the force of gravity playing a great role in the situation.

"Do you see it? It's not on the couch…" Bakura said, looking down at the squished couch cushions, which were soiled. "But I found that turkey leg I was looking for!"

Malik paled as Bakura turned, showing him the full view of his back end, the remote lodged in between his enormous butt cheeks. "N-No… No, I don't see it…"

"Ah, well, guess I have to keep watching Rosa and Diego fight to the death." Bakura collapsed back onto the couch, and the sudden force of his weight caused it to collapse entirely to the floor. "That was enough exercise for the day anyway."

Just then Ryou stopped, finally noticing Bakura's…_true form_. "Whoa! What in the world happened to you, you big fat fatty?!"

"D-Did you just call me fat?"

"Yes, I did, chunky!"

Bakura cried.

"There, there… It's gonna be okay," Malik said as comfortingly as he could, patting Bakura's stomach, before his hand vanished in between one of Bakura's rolls. "H-Hey! Give it back!" he screamed, his arm being absorbed by Bakura's fat. He put his other hand to Bakura's gut in an attempt to pull his arm out, only to have that one also sucked in. "Ryou, help! I don't want to be sucked into his abyss!"

Ryou came over and managed to pull Malik out. There was a thick layer of green colored gunk up to Malik's elbows, and he gagged. "I'm…going to go take a shower now."

Ryou looked to Bakura, who was again eating and going back to watching his show, which he had seen a repeat of for the past two weeks. He turned the television off and grabbed the drumstick out of his hand.

"Hey, I was gonna eat that!" Bakura yelled. "You can turn the TV off since I already know how it ends, but my drumstick didn't do anything to you!"

"Bakura, you need to lose this weight before you have a heart attack or something. I don't want to be stuck paying for your medical bills."

"But it's good storage space!" Bakura wailed. "Besides, _Marik _wouldn't have said that-"

"If you say that one more time I'll smack you," Ryou said, shaking the drumstick in Bakura's face, who leaned forward and ate the drumstick out of Ryou's hand, despite the teen's disgust.

"But… Maybe he'll like me better when I look like this… With my man boobs and my rolls and my thunder thighs and my love handles and my squishy ribcage and my big butt and my multiple chins and my-"

"You're scarring me!"

"You're so mean to me!" Bakura wailed.

"It's true. Look at yourself-"

"I can't see over my four chins!" Bakura screamed.

"…Well… You're a fat blob who's basically ate everything in the house, broke the couch, and hasn't moved from the now _broken _couch – which you broke from your weight – and more than likely did unmentionables on my broken couch!"

"Who cares about your stupid couch?!"

"I loved that couch!" Ryou screamed. "My mommy gave it to me!"

"Your mommy is dead."

"Take that back!" Ryou screeched.

"Well she is!"

"Doesn't matter! My point is you need to get off your fat butt and lose the weight right now mister!"

"How do I do that?"

"Get your butt off my broken couch and go exercise."

"Is that some kind of dessert?"

"No, moron. Now what do you want to do as your form of exercise?"

"You mean different kinds, like in flavors?"

"No. I mean there's running, dancing, sports… Which you all fail at…" Ryou sighed.

Malik came out the shower then. "How about we take him to the playground?"

"But he won't fit!"

"Oh yay I love the playground! Let's go there!"

Ryou sighed. "Fine. But we'll have to walk."

"Why can't you drive us?"

"You won't fit in the car, fatty."

"Can you carry me?"

"I cannot lift you!"

Bakura groaned. "Fine." Again, he went through the process of getting up from the broken couch, turning red in the face and sweating again. When he finally stood up he was about to sit back down, complaining about how it was 'too much work'.

"Oh, no you don't! We're going to that playground! I've had enough of you, with you breaking my couch and apparently doing something with my now missing fridge-"

"I ate it." Bakura shrugged, causing a mess of food to fall out from in between his fat. "I thought it was a marshmallow. A really big marshmallow."

Ryou groaned.

"To the playground!" Bakura screeched, and managed to take a step forward. Just then the ground began to shake and crack. It was after a few minutes everything went back to normal.

"What in the world was that?" Malik asked.

"An earthquake, apparently," Ryou said with a shrug.

Bakura took another step. "Ryou, it's too hard! How much farther?!"

"You've taken two steps."

"Ughhh!" Bakura moaned.

* * *

After a long, long, _long _time they finally made it to the playground. Children cowered in fear, screaming and running.

"Mommy, mommy, what's that blocking out the sun?!"

"I don't know honey, let's get out here!"

Bakura waddled towards the playground. He pointed towards the slide. "Ryou, I wanna go on that first!"

"Fine, whatever."

Bakura made his way towards the slide and started climbing up the ladder. Once he made it to the top he sat down upon a poor child, who screamed with horror. "Mommy help me!"

"Too late now kid! I'm saving you for a snack for later," Bakura said, satisfied, before the child disappeared into Bakura's mass amounts of fat. "And now I will slide down this slide!"

The slide broke into millions of pieces due to his weight.

Bakura cried.

"Bakura, go play on the swings."

"Oh yay I love the swings!" And off he went. The children were smart and ran in terror as he approached.

He sat on one of the seats, which was absorbed in between his butt cheeks, and the rest of the swing set proceeded to collapse around him.

He was about to get up from the rubble of the swing set when he noticed someone approaching. "Marik!"

He went over to Ryou and Malik. "I sensed this mass destruction from miles and miles and miles away-"

"You mean a block?"

"Yes. Anyway, I sensed the mass destruction from a block away and I was wondering who was causing it."

Ryou and Malik pointed to the obese Bakura, who was standing in the now rubble of a playground. Earthquakes were going on around him, fire hydrants exploding, children running and sobbing in terror, windows shattering, fires starting, lightning occurring along with thunder, and the fact he was practically absorbing everything he touched.

"You caused this?" Marik asked.

"Caused what?" Bakura blinked. "And I'd lick your shoes clean for you but I can't bend over."

Marik sighed. "No one has ever caused this much destruction besides me… I guess you're an okay guy after all, Bakura."

"S-So you mean you do like me?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So you do like my man boobs and my thunder thighs and my multiple chins and my-"

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Oh yay!" He raised his arms into the air, and suddenly, not only food but the child he had previously absorbed fell out onto the ground. The kid was shaking uncontrollably. "So dark…so warm…so smelly…"

Bakura reached for him but Ryou smacked his hand. "Leave it."

"Aw man I wanted that for a snack!"

And so they began walking home, into the sunset. And then, suddenly, Bakura spoke up. "Hey, hey Ryou?"

"What?"

"You remember before all this started and before you answered the phone and I had to tell you something but I forgot what it was?"

"Yes?"

"I remember now."

"What is it?"

"I'm hungry."

* * *

Author's Notes: END.  
I warned you. And now you've been scarred.  
Review if you want, and if you REALLY want to get into it, send me a message saying how sick I am!  
See you next time!


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